Personalizing Your Ceremony

We are delighted to feature the advice of Zachary Michaud, a friend of Men’s Vows and a Celebrant Foundation &  Institute certified Life-Cycle Celebrant®. For Zach, heart-centered, engaging, meaningful, and memorable are all of the qualities that you deserve for your wedding ceremony. Throw in sparkles, laughter, and tears of joy and you know Zach was involved in its creation. From witchy and woo to solemn and sacred, he knows his way around symbolism, world cultures, and religion well enough to match your personalities, unique relationship, and personal tastes to the types of ritual elements and storytelling structures that move you and your guests. Multicultural, elopements, anniversaries, destination weddings, commitment ceremonies, whatever you imagine, Zach can bring to life for you.

Thus, we could imagine no better person to share some insights into how to make yours a truly personalized and heartfelt ceremony.

Many couples have no idea what they can do to make their ceremony reflect who they are. That is where I, as a Celebrant, step in. Because I start with a questionnaire and interview process to learn more about a couple, I get to find out details about them that they may not realize would make for a great ceremony. When I put those details together into a draft, the ceremony starts to come alive for the couple and they may start to have more solid ideas about what feels good and what feels off. As we continue to work together, we fine tune the details until they know exactly what they are walking into on their wedding day. When the nerves around the ceremony are lessened, a couple can ground into the moments of the day and have a more joyful experience.

My recent experience with a couple, James and Colton, illustrates how a couple and I work together to create something they did not know how to articulate at first. James and Colton were referred to me by a Celebrant colleague in my area who was already booked for their wedding date. I was already excited by their first email which told me they would be getting married at Timberline Lodge on Mt. Hood - one of my favorite venues. During our initial FaceTime meeting they told me they wanted to repeat vows, not write their own because of nerves, and they wanted to celebrate their family and friends who would be there. They did not want any type of unity ritual. After they hired me and they filled out their questionnaires, I read that they did not want any religious references, no prayers of any kind. What they did want was a short and simple ceremony in which to express the love between them and their love for their guests.

What I did not see in their responses was much in the way of personal stories and personal inspirations. What they did leave was a link to a generic, non-religious, ceremony they had found online.

I knew then that this couple was having trouble finding themselves represented in the wedding industry and were struggling to imagine themselves and their story at the center of something that did not seem to fit them. I had met these guys, I could see the love they shared, the ease with which they communicated. It was not coming across in their questionnaires and certainly was not represented by such a generic ceremony. After a few email exchanges to ask clarifying questions and draw out more details about a few of their answers, I had a sense of them and a mission. I wanted to show them that they could have a short and simple ceremony that sounded like them in every word. What ended up coming together was a compact and potent ceremony. We used the imagery of Mt. Hood, which was not only the site of their wedding, but also their self described sanctuary where they unplugged from the world, connected with each other at their cabin, and grew their relationship. The mountain imagery was a simple and effective way to convey the quiet, powerful, and grounded relationship James and Colton share.

How did we incorporate the celebration of friends and family that James and Colton had requested? Primarily, we achieved it by changing up the standard altar tableau, which is such a simple modification. Instead of standing between James and Colton, like a priest or rabbi would during a religious ceremony, I stood to the side and slightly closer to their guests. This invited the guests into the process instead of making them feel slightly separate as though watching a stage production. James and Colton got to hold hands and be physically closer to each other than they would have if I had been between them, projecting my voice into their ears. And when James and Colton wanted to look to me instead of the intimidating number of guests, as many couples do, they turned their faces towards their guests rather than away, so everyone could see their joyful, beaming expressions. We also created opportunities for their guests to participate with affirming and loving words and I wrote a tribute to family and friends within the ceremony itself. These gestures added to the intimacy that was created physically from the start of the ceremony.

When thinking about creating your wedding ceremony, know that you deserve a space to recognize your own growth, where you are seen and accepted, and where you can incorporate the changes you’ve made together in each of your lives and in your life as a couple. I believe this can be achieved by telling your personal story and by using symbols and rituals that resonate with you. You should never feel like you are robotically going through the motions. Vulnerability is a normal response to standing in front of your family and friends and declaring your love to your beloved. Feelings that move you to laughter and tears are natural. You should never feel unsafe, embarrassed, or like you are appeasing anyone other than yourself.

When creating personal ceremonies for couples, I can pull out all the stops with readings, rituals, musical interludes, but that is not what this couple wanted. They wanted to express their love, honor their families, and pay tribute to the mountain on which they were getting married. Then they wanted to get off the altar, out of the spotlight, and enjoy the celebration. They got their short and simple ceremony. They also got a ceremony that had them and their guests laughing and crying, full to the brim with emotions, sparkling with joyful energy, which is exactly what you want when you get married.

- Zach Michaud

Old Ways Ceremonies
www.oldwaysceremonies.com

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