John & Alex: Simply the Best

All Photos: Ellie Patterson @ Eloise Photography

Back in October, we featured John & Alex’s engagement story: a story about the couple singing showtunes on their way to their first baseball game, moving to Shanghai for John’s work as a U.S. diplomat, and virtually planning a wedding in the thick of Covid. Back then, the two were most looking forward to “our wedding, when many of our guests will be together for the first time in a long time." We, too, were looking forward to reading what these two had in store for their big day, one planned by Men’s Vows’ very own, Jason Mitchell Kahn. “It was everything we planned for,” said Alex. “Pretty magical,” John continued.  “Jason made sure every detail was thought through and executed.” 

John and Alex made their way to New York City weeks before their big day in November last year. Not only did they want to rid themselves of the jetlag coming from China, but they also needed to ease their way into a different Covid way of living. Coming from China where they were living in a policy of ‘zero Covid,’ to NYC where there was a little more than ‘zero Covid’ even before the Omicron surge, took some getting used to. But, once in a groove, their wedding festivities rolled on, and so too did having their loved ones come together. 

They started off with a sibling weekend in New Orleans. “Sibling weekend was akin to a bachelor weekend but, a much, much tamer version of a bachelor party,” said John. Alex said: “Friends of ours had planned to get married in 2020 which they had to push to November of last year, the weekend before our wedding, so we made it part of our plan.” “New Orleans gave us a chance to let our hair down a little bit,” John said, “and given Alex lived there for 7-years, and his siblings had gotten used to visiting, it was a fun aside as a run-up to the wedding.” 

Having let les bon temps roulez with the sibs, Alex and John’s wedding festivities proceeded with the ‘rents. “We had them meet for the first time on the Wednesday before the wedding; and then the more extended family on Thursday,” John shared.  “Another Covid casualty,” Alex said of the fact that their parents had not had the opportunity, until days before the wedding, to meet in person. “We had only FaceTimed with them.”  

Alex made clear that each groom “had spent a lot of time with the other’s family during Covid.” “A month of ‘Covid time’ with my family in upstate NY and a month of ‘Covid time’ with John’s dad in Florida.  Both visits were complete with siblings, a nephew, and nieces around.” For both, it was an awesome experience bringing the families together. “My parents and John’s dad are in many ways so similar… and they all think the world of us,” Alex said as the two laughed. 

The unique and charming private dining room at Freemans restaurant in the Lower East Side served as the Thursday family dinner venue. After meeting and mingling during a cocktail hour, guests proceeded to a family-style dinner table. John used his skills as a diplomat to design a curated seating plan aimed at maximizing interaction. “We were so happy they all got along so well. The feedback from both sides was gushing!” Alex explained. “And the energy from these dinners exuded for the rest of the week.” 

Following the family dinner, everyone carried on with the most traditional of post-first-family-meeting events:  karaoke. John revealed that one of the moments in which he fell in love with Alex was at a karaoke night at the same venue – Sing Sing Avenue A – where he was selecting song after song that John was “just vibing with.” In keeping with the New York theme of the wedding weekend, John took to the mic with some Sinatra and show tunes. 

Alex and John’s wedding was a squarely Jewish affair. Early in the day on Thursday, the couple went to the mikvah, a Jewish rite of purification involving prayer and submersion in water. In addition to this being a meaningful part of their Jewish wedding, John added: “It was the only time we were truly alone and away from the chaos!” Friday, in addition to the two running many last-minute errands, including a pant alteration for John, the couple, family and friends convened at Congregation Rodeph Sholom in the Upper West Side for Friday night Shabbat services, including the aufruf. The aufruf is when they call the to-be-married couple to the bimah (Jewish altar) to bless them in front of the synagogue’s community. John, as a convert to Judaism, didn’t grow up with the level of understanding and welcome that is typical among the progressive Jewish community. “Here I was, a gay man, with my soon-to-be husband, about to be blessed by this congregation… it was a very powerful moment.” Alex, having grown up at Rodeph Sholom, appreciated being called up for yet another lifecycle event as part of this Jewish community. 

Following the services, people gathered to complete the aufruf by throwing candy at the couple as a symbol of luck and happiness and were treated to a Jewish deli-themed dinner, which Jason and team had produced in the synagogue’s event space. “It was wonderful being pelted by candy!” John explained. If the couple’s desire was to have their community connect, services and pelting certainly achieved that goal! 

Red-and-white checkered tablecloths were the base for custom-designed diner-style placemats that included illustrations of the couple rendered by Jason “Squigs” Robertson (the famed Broadway caricature artist), a couple-themed crossword, and logos of John and Alex’s various professional and personal affiliations – including the King Arthur Flour logo because of how they bonded over baking during the pandemic. Alternating pictures of the couple as youngsters and current-day photos served as centerpieces.  

 One simply cannot achieve maximum deli theme without Katz’s Deli catering.  Guests dined on their famous pastrami, turkey, and brisket sandwiches carved on site by Katz’ staff, and drank wine, beer, and spirits out of iconic NYC Greek-themed blue coffee cups.  Pushing the New York vibe also required the Eden Lane jazz trio performing jazz standards and the couple’s beloved Broadway show tunes. To entertain their guests – many of whom had never met because of the pandemic – Alex’s sisters and John’s cousin organized a “Roasts, Toasts, and Shenanigans” extravaganza. 

“They put together a talent show of sorts that showcased many of the important people in our lives,” Alex explained. Mind you, by this point, these two have not yet walked down the aisle!  By the end of the evening, guests had enjoyed toasts, poems, renditions of Broadway show tunes re-written for the couple, and skits that helped break the ice for an epic wedding the next day.  Guests departed with themed welcome bags that included mini Manhattan cocktails, bagels, black and white cookies, and Hal’s potato chips, all placed in a mini Zabar’s tote bag.   

On Saturday morning, hair and make-up by Melissa Formica began at 8:30 a.m. and was open for all to drop in on. There was a steady stream of family at their suite at the Moxy East Village Hotel. Alex described: “We were in our pajamas, chilling out, having bagels, drinking coffee…” John interjected to say: “Drinking champagne!” and further explained: “It was lovely, organized chaos,” as the grooms and their family members dressed and the photographer documented it all. 

John and Alex wore custom tuxedos designed by their tailor in Shanghai. The New York theme even made it into their wardrobe, with maps of the city serving as the lining of the unique pieces. Once the two were ready, as a bookend to the watch Alex presented John with for their engagement, John gave Alex a set of cufflinks which he wore down the aisle. “He gave me Cartier. I gave him Cartier.” 

 A vintage New York City yellow cab drove the two to several iconic locations for couple photographs, including the Astor Place subway station, streets of the East Village, and Washington Square Park.  They worked with their photographer, Ellie Patterson, to focus on urban-themed candid shots. After couple photos, they proceeded for family photos and the ketubah signing at the wedding venue, the historic Angel Orensanz Foundation in the Lower East Side. The ketubah is the standard marriage contract that Jewish law requires the groom to provide for the bride, or in this case, for the grooms to provide for each other.  John and Alex worked with ketubah artist Naomi Broudo on a bespoke document that drew inspiration from architecture of synagogues that have been meaningful to their past. “Since our lifestyle involves moving around the world – sometimes to places without Jewish communities – we wanted to bring the synagogue into our home,” John explains.  

During the ketubah signing, “Our close family was with us, making the ceremony really meaningful,” John described.  Rabbi Ben Spratt and Cantor Shayna De Lowe – “truly special people,” says the couple – led the ceremony. “There were lots of tears shed and this was all before the wedding.” 

Guests awaited to the tunes of a klezmer music band led by Brian Gelfand, which eventually played the grooms down the aisle to a new rendition of “Parla Più Piano,” or “Speak Softly, Love,” otherwise known as The Godfather theme. “This played for my mother’s first dance,” John explained, “which, played in a klezmer sound, was very cool.” The song was just one of the many ways the couple fused their Italian and Ashkenazi heritages for a truly inclusive experience.

The first stars of the ceremony proved themselves to be Rabbi Spratt and Cantor De Lowe, with whom the couple spent a year preparing the ceremony. Alex explained: “Rabbi Spratt spends a lot of time with a couple ahead of the wedding, essentially leading marriage counseling. He explored our shared vision for the future, how we will communicate during challenging times, how our marriage unit will evolve over time. And because in Reform Judaism there is a lot of latitude to adapt the ceremony, we spent a lot of time developing what was ultimately quite a traditional wedding, though adapted for gay men, with a real liturgical foundation.” The rabbi and cantor also asked John and Alex for a shared experience to include in the ceremony, which as John explained was their love of Schitt’s Creek, specifically the scenes when Patrick sings his rendition of “Simply the Best” at the open mic night, followed a few episodes later by David lip-synching the song back to Patrick. The cantor delivered her version of Patrick’s rendition of the song, bringing both grooms to tears. “We exchanged handkerchiefs, which was a lovely moment,” John described.

When asked about their vows, John shared that they wrote their own, saying they were very reflective of their personalities, followed by a hearty laugh! “Mine were short, sweet, direct and John’s were steeped in multiple levels of meaning. Only if you are John would you have caught every single reference!” Alex noted. “Alex’s vows,” John said, “reminded me that I was doing the right thing.” For Alex, “it was like everything in our relationship:  it felt so natural.” The two have pledged to reread each other’s vows but haven’t yet determined when. 

“When you’re under the chuppah, it is all about you,” John said. “Some ceremonies feel more like a theater, for an audience. But ours was intimate and our community was privileged to be part of this personal moment.” Alex described one of his favorite moments was, prompted by the rabbi, looking out at friends and family during Havdalah, the ritual that ends the sabbath and begins the rest of the week. “For us, Havdalahmarked the end of our unmarried life and the beginning of our married one.” 

“John and I were ushered into our room for the yichud.” Before Alex could go on, John interjected: “Let’s be honest, the yichud is when a couple consummates the marriage. We had some food, drink, and quiet time!” The two joined their guests for cocktail hour on the balcony where they were introduced for the first time as husbands to Beyoncé’s “Love on Top.” Cocktail hour gave way to dinner and the first dance, Leonard Cohen’s “Dance Me to the End of Love.” As expected, they did the hora, but as a nod to their “butch football watching ways,” in addition to waving napkins, there were Pittsburgh Steelers “Terrible Towels” in the mix, too! 

“People were eating and drinking throughout, and a lot of times people were at the front of the band not-quite-mosh-pitting!” Alex shared. With the rabbi and cantor serving as the ceremony’s first stars, their electric nine-piece band, 45 Riots, served as the next stars, only to be upstaged momentarily by John’s father, John, Sr., a professional B3 Hammond organ player. At one point, he joined the band to play. “I am sure every band is used to musician parents joining in, but our band’s faces all were like ‘holy crap’ as my dad played,” John added. “Everyone was jumping up and down.” 

When not dancing to 45 Riots, guests grazed on an assortment of curated food stations and passed hors d’oeuvres by Certé catering.  The couple worked with Certé to ensure there were edible nods to New York, Pittsburgh, New Orleans, and their Italian and Ashkenazi traditions.  As is a tradition in Pittsburgh, a wedding cookie table drew guests to munch on treats from Levain, Veniero’s, Russ and Daughters, and La Durée, not to mention Pittsburgh favorites from Sarris Candies and Eat ‘N Park.

The cake was its own event, for more reasons than one. The grooms, having eschewed the white tiered, fondant covered cake typical of weddings, opted for one in the form of separate Steelers and Saints football helmets and an accompanying football adorned with their names and the date of the wedding! Pittsburgh-based cake artist Tamra Kirk of Cake it Easy created the true-to-scale masterpiece. Displayed to one side of the festivities, it caught the attention of the venue’s owner, who took it upon himself to cut into the cake and serve himself a slice, before both grooms had even seen the cakes! The wedding planners worked their magic such that the guests were none-the-wiser of the missing piece of cake and John, who had also been kept in the dark about it, simply noted the missing piece and carried on being excited about cutting their football-themed cake as husbands!

 The after party carried on to the tunes of DJ TM.8 at an 80s-themed East Village nightclub where the fourth star of the evening, Alex’s studded shoes, really took a star turn under the lights, while John switched into red Pumas as a subtle nod to the red-bottomed Christian Louboutin loafers he wore for the wedding. At one point, the club cleared the dance floor and announced John and Alex for a “second dance” to Whitney Houston’s “All the Man that I Need.”  

In the most classic of New York late-night finalés, the two stopped for slices at John’s favorite East Village slice joint, Stromboli, on their way home. As the two reflected on the evening, they felt a sense of accomplishment, relief, and… exhaustion. “We just had so much fun,” Alex said. Looking back, the two remarked on how much the appreciated being able to stay in the moment of the wedding and present among all those who joined them. 

When asked what advice they’d share with others about planning a wedding Alex said: “John and I, before we made any decisions, explained what we wanted and why for our wedding, so that if I had to make a quick decision, I knew what would be right for both of us.” John interjected: “Make sure your venue contract has a clause that does not allow the owner to take a piece of cake!” 

Back in China, the two have taken on new roles. “I am the Chief of Family Planning, and John is Chief of ‘Have Fun Now,’ maximizing all of our early married years before said family plan unfolds! We are focused on the now and planning our future.”  While the evolving COVID pandemic has impacted those plans, the couple reports they are having as much fun as possible while taking the necessary steps to pursue having children in the next few years. 

Whether their relationship was bashert, Alex and John have found in each other, their zivug.